Language is vital. The phrases we select to explain the world and our experiences in it matter, particularly in the case of these issues—feelings, concepts, sensations—that are intangible, which don’t have any mounted bodily presence. Intercourse is partly bodily, in fact, however it’s also a deeply psychological expertise, and may be extremely emotional. Clear and exact communication is essential to making sure enthusiastic and totally knowledgeable consent, and enthusiastic and totally knowledgeable consent is essential to intercourse which is protected, enjoyable, and enriching. With all of that in thoughts, there’s one explicit phrase I’ve been fascinated with recently: virginity.
What really is “virginity”? In fact, it means various things to totally different individuals, however for essentially the most half the prevailing consensus (and the definition given by the Oxford English Dictionary) remains to be that “virginity” refers to a state of sexual inexperience—particularly, inexperience of heteronormative sexual activity, a.okay.a. penile-vaginal penetration. This instantly throws up some issues. For one factor, that simply isn’t how everybody has intercourse. It locations wildly uneven emphasis on one extraordinarily particular act, and ignores an entire host of others. Understood in these phrases, the notion of virginity routinely excludes the expertise of many queer and trans individuals, its logic dictating {that a} 17-year-old heterosexual with a single, temporary, and anticlimactic notch on her bedpost is in some way extra sexually skilled than a 55-year-old lesbian who’s loved the corporate of many ladies all through her life—which is, plainly, absurd. It additionally delegitimizes a lot of heterosexual intercourse, leaving these girls who solely orgasm through oral or handbook stimulation feeling insufficient, as if their physique is flawed, in some way, when in precise truth theirs is a wholly regular expertise.
Whereas we’re on the subject of our bodies, now appears pretty much as good a time as any to remind you that there is no such thing as a organic foundation for the notion of virginity: it’s not a scientific time period used to explain the transition from one state of being to a different, and, regardless of what some shady medical doctors might attempt to promote you, it’s actually not possible to gauge an individual’s degree of sexual expertise by inspecting their genitalia. There isn’t any check for virginity (simply ask the World Health Organization); how might there be, when partaking within the act of penetrative intercourse does nothing to change the bodily physique in any everlasting, discernible approach. The hymen—that skinny layer of tissue which surrounds and partly covers most (however not all) vaginal openings, and which may be (however isn’t at all times) torn the primary time the vagina is penetrated, which generally (however not each time) leads to bleeding—may be ruptured in a lot of methods which contain no sexual contact in any way, reminiscent of inserting a tampon, doing gymnastics, or driving a bicycle. The notion of “virginity” just isn’t scientific; it’s a wholly and completely social assemble, present solely inside our collective imaginations.
Should you’re considering my dialogue has all been very female-focused to this point, properly, that’s as a result of the thought of male virginity is a comparatively new one, although it may be simply as stigmatizing and damaging; simply take a look at incel tradition, and the horrible acts of violence which have been dedicated in its title. For many of human historical past, although, “virgin” has been gendered feminine. Etymologically talking, it comes from the Latin “virgo,” which means “maiden,” and was initially used to check with younger girls. As a descriptor of sexual expertise, the idea of virginity has its genesis inside the patriarchal cattle-market of the wedding financial system, wherein a lady’s worth was decided by the perceived degree of her sexual “purity”; making certain she remained a virgin till marriage was a approach of guaranteeing any kids she bore had been fathered by her husband. Girls who failed to fulfill these requirements—by their very own alternative or in any other case—have been thought of to be tainted and thus unmarryable. I’d like to say these days are lengthy gone, however they aren’t: Within the UK, invasive and inaccurate “virginity affirmation” assessments are nonetheless practiced, in accordance with an independent report commissioned by the UK Government, on women as younger as 13, and there are some girls who discover it vital (or are pressured) to bear hymenoplasty earlier than marriage, a painful and probably damaging surgical procedure meant to “restore” virginity by stitching the hymen. (Like virginity testing, hymenoplasty turned unlawful within the UK in 2022.)
