I love any excuse to make the Yuletide gay, and given my traditional Christmas rewatch of Todd Haynes’s 2015 film Carol was weeks ago at this point, I was thrilled to learn that the season finale of Canada’s gay hockey sensation Heated Rivalry lined up perfectly with my glut of plan-free post-holiday TV time.
So, where did the end of the season find Ilya, Shane, Scott, Kip, et cetera? Below, find absolutely every thought I had about Season 1, Episode 6 of Heated Rivalry, enticingly titled “The Cottage”:
- God, I wish hockey was this gay in real life.
- Actually, hold on now…
- Scott is MVP!
- François Arnaud really is handsome as hell.
- Where do I know him from besides this?
- Oh, right, The Borgias.
- Bring that show back!
- I need a handsome butch to drive me to a cottage, stat.
- And if it were Zohran Mamdani’s newly appointed FDNY commissioner, I wouldn’t complain.
- “…Groceries, so we don’t need to leave.” Hot!
- OMG, I’m swooning at this cottage… and clearly Ilya is too.
- “In case you’re…thirsty.” Hot, once more!
- A two-week honesty pact? In modern dating? Good luck, besties.
- Then again, I’d be honest for two weeks if someone would let me stay at that cottage.
- I don’t even have to have sex in it! I just want to bird-watch from the floor-to-ceiling windows!
- Fellas out in nature, grilling burgers and having sex…I love Canada.
- Oop, depressing parental-lore reveal time.
- Sorry to be such a real-estate-hungry bisexual, but this cottage looks even better at night.
- Oh no, Ilya’s mom 🙁
- Ilya looks extremely handsome upon waking, if I may.
- So does Shane, but the light’s really finding Ilya in this moment.
- “I like you.” “I like you too.” Crying!
- Bro, don’t marry Svetlana (no disrespect to Svetlana).
- I want Shane’s cute lil’ Montreal Metros long-sleeve.
- I love the idea of this suicide-prevention charity 🙂
- Especially if it lets Ilya and Shane be boyfriends!
- They love each other!!!!!!!!!!!
- I mean, duh, but still!!!!!!!!!!!
- Sorry to be yet another woman frothing over the gay male body as depicted on Heated Rivalry, but these guys look really good in swim trunks.
- I mean, they’re pro athletes, so I guess it’s a bit of a “fork found in kitchen” situation (as my Vogue colleague Hannah Jackson likes to say), but still.
- Eek, Shane’s dad!
- All dads: Be cool, for once in your life.
- You know what? Shane’s dad (and his mom) are actually being kind of cool, so I’m eating my words.
- Not the feet touching in expensive sneakers and boat shoes!
- I assume the boat shoes are on Shane and the sneakers are on Ilya, but maybe they’re shoe-verse.
- Okay, crying again at this touching moment with Shane’s (hot, it should be said) mom.
- Boys, if the legacy of Dana Fairbanks on The L Word has taught us anything—also, that one episode of I Love LA—it’s that brands love gay (or did, before…you know, now). Your sponsorships are going to be just fine!
- Boyfriends 🙂
- Back to the cottage for the boys, and back to the start of Season 1 for moi!
